The Definition Of Friendship

By Mark Miller | Last Update: "4.21.25"

Over the years, I have hyper-focused on defining the concept of “friendship.” What does it mean for someone to be considered my “Friend”? Below is what I have settled on (for now) after five years of deliberation.

Three Pillars

Three core pillars are mandatory for anyone to be considered a friend. These three must be consistent throughout the hierarchy and are required, even at the most basic level of friendship. 

#1: Value: There are numerous ways someone can provide value to your friendship. As someone who is multi-skilled, I often gravitate toward individuals who possess the information or service I seek. 

#2: Joy: Do these humans make me feel good when I see them? Do I walk away feeling better, worse, or unchanged?

#3: Good Intentions: I start each new human interaction expecting the other person to have good intentions toward me. I trust that, with time, the person will reveal themselves before we develop our friendship into something more meaningful. 

Example: Bird watching is a newer skill set I invest my time in. So, naturally, I formed a friendship with one of my real estate clients outside of work, who has extensive knowledge of bird-watching in the local area. We would spend time visiting the good spots, studying his books, or talking about birds, and through this interaction, a friendship was created.

• Why was a friendship created? My friend provided value, I enjoyed spending time with him, and he showed good intentions towards me. 

Example #2: The restaurant near my house, I visit often. The staff provides value to me by providing service. Through this consistent service, I have the opportunity to get to know the staff and learn to appreciate most of them. Additionally, I have seen no signs of genuine, malicious intentions. Therefore, I enjoy the luxury of considering most of the staff my friend and a few, good friend. 

Example #3: A newer friendship is pushing the next step, “Good Friend”. Sometimes, I will get blinded by someone's substantial value or joy and not be fully certain on their intentions. When a friendship evolves and boundaries begin to be removed, pay close attention to the type of questions this friend ask you, and their actions toward you or around you. If you sense bad intentions more than good, it’s a good sign it’s time to actually put up more boundaries, not remove them..

Layers

Friendship can be defined in terms of a hierarchical structure of layers. As friendships evolve, they progress to the next “layer.” When a friend ranks up, personal boundaries can be removed, providing additional growth opportunities. Below is the layer format that I use.

Friend: The three foundational friendship variables are Value, Joy, & Good intentions. As long as those three boxes are checked, that person is considered a friend. 

Good Friend: After spending time getting to know a friend, you may develop a fondness for their unique qualities. You realize the three pillars are all strong, and you crave more. This is often when I share my personal goals and aspirations because I am slowly beginning to remove boundaries I had with a baseline friend. For me, this bridge has exposed friends who have bad intentions. However, thanks to the layer system in place, as soon as I removed a few boundaries, the intention behind the “friend' became clearer.  

Family Friend: Some friends and even good friends never meet my family. For a “good friend” to evolve into a “family friend”, my family (i.e., my wife) must also accept the individual as a friend. If a baseline friendship is created, it is then expected to develop into a “good friend.” After my wife and I both considered this individual a “good friend,” that would escalate the friendship status to “family friend.” This type of friendship yields a substantial return on investment (ROI) for my family because we share the benefits this friend provides, and because this friendship has evolved into a “family friend,” even more boundaries can be safely removed, allowing the friendship to become more intimate. More intimacy with a friend who holds high value, with whom you and your partner share a great deal of enjoyment, and who has demonstrated good intentions, is a massive, positive multiplier in life. 

Family: Over time, family friends can become your family. Held to the same status or standard as your bloodline. It's hard to say when this happens, but you will know when/if this occurs. Over time, family friends can show relentless support. Seeing you through your ups and downs. To me, a friendship is initially dominated by value, but as it evolves, it's the “good intentions” that transform a friend into a family member. Good intentions and enjoyment highly dominate this chapter of a friendship, and the value in that is something money can't buy. Some may argue that this stage of a friendship is one of the most valuable assets a human can possess. It is home.