The Definition Of Friendship

By Mark Miller | Last Update: "4.21.25"

Over the years, I have hyper-focused on defining the concept of “friendship.” What does it mean for someone to be considered my “Friend”? Below is what I have settled on (for now) after five years of deliberation.

Three Pillars

Three core pillars are mandatory for anyone to be considered a friend. These three must be consistent throughout the hierarchy and are required, even at the most basic level of friendship. 

#1: Value: There are numerous ways someone can provide value to your friendship. As someone who is multi-skilled, I often gravitate toward individuals who possess the information or service I seek. 

#2: Joy: Do these humans make me feel good when I see them? Do I walk away feeling better, worse, or unchanged?

#3: Good Intentions: I start each new human interaction expecting the other person to have good intentions toward me. I trust that, with time, the person will reveal themselves before we develop our friendship into something more meaningful. 

Layers

Friendship can be defined in terms of a hierarchical structure of layers. As friendships evolve, they progress to the next “layer.” When a friend ranks up, personal boundaries can be removed, providing additional growth opportunities. Below is the layer format that I use.

Friend: The three foundational friendship variables are Value, Joy, & Good intentions. As long as those three boxes are checked, that person is considered a friend. 

Good Friend: After spending time getting to know a friend, you may develop a fondness for their unique qualities. You realize the three pillars are all strong, and you crave more. This is often when I share my personal goals and aspirations because I am slowly beginning to remove boundaries I had with a baseline friend. For me, this bridge has exposed friends who have bad intentions. However, thanks to the layer system in place, as soon as I removed a few boundaries, the intention behind the “friend' became clearer.  

Family Friend: Some friends and even good friends never meet my family. For a “good friend” to evolve into a “family friend”, my family (i.e., my wife) must also accept the individual as a friend. If a baseline friendship is created, it is then expected to develop into a “good friend.” After my wife and I both considered this individual a “good friend,” that would escalate the friendship status to “family friend.” This type of friendship yields a substantial return on investment (ROI) for my family because we share the benefits this friend provides, and because this friendship has evolved into a “family friend,” even more boundaries can be safely removed, allowing the friendship to become more intimate. More intimacy with a friend who holds high value, with whom you and your partner share a great deal of enjoyment, and who has demonstrated good intentions, is a massive, positive multiplier in life. 

Family: Over time, family friends can become your family. Held to the same status or standard as your bloodline. It's hard to say when this happens, but you will know when/if this occurs. Over time, family friends can show relentless support. Seeing you through your ups and downs. To me, a friendship is initially dominated by value, but as it evolves, it's the “good intentions” that transform a friend into a family member. Good intentions and enjoyment highly dominate this chapter of a friendship, and the value in that is something money can't buy. Some may argue that this stage of a friendship is one of the most valuable assets a human can possess. It is home.