What Pickleball Has Taught Me About Negotiation

Part of Pickleball With Mark: Mastering the Fundamentals.

Some of the most valuable practice I have had in negotiating has happened on a pickleball court.

Not across a conference table. Not during a real estate transaction. In the middle of a competitive game, with my heart rate up, a point in dispute, and another person who wants to win just as much as I do.

After more than six years of playing, I see those moments as opportunities. They give me somewhere to practice listening, managing my emotions, and speaking firmly without becoming aggressive. Those are skills I want to carry into real estate, into representing my clients, and into the rest of my life.

The opportunity is not to become better at arguing. It is to become better at handling disagreement.

• Use difficult moments to practice composure, not intimidation.
• Prepare by learning the rules, then distinguish what you know from what you assume.
• Defend your position respectfully—and remain willing to accept a fair decision that does not favor you.

An opportunity to practice under pressure

It is easy for me to talk about staying calm when nothing is bothering me. Doing it while competing is a different test.

I might have just worked hard to win a rally. Then someone questions my call. Or an opponent makes a call I genuinely believe is wrong. I am tired, I want the point, and I have to decide what comes out of my mouth next.

That is where the practice begins.

One reminder I use is: when I lose my temper in a negotiation, I have already lost something important. Maybe not the point or the entire match, but my ability to handle the situation as well as I could have.

So I try to keep my voice down. I ask my partner what they saw. I listen to the other side. I pay attention to my expression and my body language—not just my words. I would rather speak with a relaxed face and a genuine willingness to understand than throw my arms up or roll my eyes.

That does not mean I stop wanting to win. It means I do not want the desire to win making my decisions for me.

Two books I have put into practice on the court

Never Split the Difference: learning to listen while the pressure is on

Never Split the Difference, by Chris Voss with Tahl Raz, helped me look at these situations differently. Voss draws on his experience as an FBI hostage negotiator, emphasizing empathy, tone of voice, and understanding the person across from you.

A pickleball dispute is obviously not a hostage negotiation. The stakes are nowhere near comparable. But I found something useful in taking those lessons about communication and practicing them somewhere that felt intense to me.

I can read about listening, but the court gives me a chance to find out whether I actually listen when I disagree.

Understanding an opponent does not require me to surrender my position. I can hear why they believe the ball was in and still explain that I clearly saw it out. The goal is to understand the disagreement before trying to resolve it.

How to Win Friends and Influence People: respect changes the conversation

Another lesson that stayed with me comes from Dale Carnegie’s How to Win Friends and Influence People.

Carnegie describes confronting boys who were building fires to cook food in a park. At first, he ordered them to put the fires out and threatened arrest. They complied resentfully. Later, he changed his approach: he acknowledged their enjoyment, explained the danger to the trees, and suggested a safer sandy location for future fires. He describes getting willing cooperation instead of reluctant obedience.

What I take from that story is not that kindness guarantees the answer I want. It is that I give myself a better chance of being heard when I do not make the other person feel attacked.

On a pickleball court, I can address a disagreement without attacking someone’s character. There is a meaningful difference between explaining what I saw through the proper process and accusing someone of cheating. Respect also means not badgering an opponent into changing a call.

Even when I suspect bad intentions, I still have to decide how to respond. Disrespect is not the tool I want to reach for. I would rather make my point clearly and leave room for the other person to respond without having to defend their dignity first.

Composure needs preparation behind it

There is another part of this that matters just as much as being respectful: know the rules you are playing under.

I do not mean memorizing every sentence. I mean studying the rulebook seriously enough to understand the situations you are likely to encounter and to know where to look when something is unclear.

I have had people explain a rule to me with complete confidence when their explanation did not match what I had read. Without preparation, it would have been easy to assume they knew better.

My preferred response is not to become louder. It is to explain my understanding and suggest checking the actual rule. That same standard has to apply to me: confidence is not proof, and remembering a term is not the same as applying it correctly.

Before a tournament, I want to know which rulebook and event procedures govern play. The USA Pickleball rules resource is one place to begin; the event’s own requirements still need to be checked.

I think of negotiation here as the communication around a decision—not permission to bargain away the rules. A pleasant conversation does not automatically make its outcome correct.

Without a referee, you have to handle the conversation yourselves

I grew up playing hockey. When we played a real game, there were referees. Moving into pickleball, where so much of my own playing experience has been self-officiated, was an adjustment.

In doubles, you can have four competitive people, two different accounts of what happened, and nobody standing there to settle it. There are still rules. What is missing is the immediate presence of an official to apply them.

That is a different kind of responsibility. I have to advocate for myself while remembering that the people across the net are also participating in the decision.

A tournament moment that stayed with me

During one unrefereed tournament match, my partner hit a groundstroke that struck an opponent in the face. He reacted loudly and dropped his paddle. I was genuinely concerned that he had been hurt, and my attention shifted from competing to checking on him.

As I remember it, play continued through the confusion, and we treated the rally as one my team had lost. After we checked on him and he had some water, he was ready to continue.

Before moving on, I calmly explained that his reaction had interrupted my focus because I had been concerned about his well-being. At the time, I understood the situation as a hindrance and asked to replay the point.

We talked it through and agreed to a replay. We won that replay and went on to win the match. From my perspective, the conversation helped us recover momentum instead of carrying our frustration into the next point.

The part of that experience I want to carry forward is the willingness to address a difficult moment without attacking anyone. The goal should be a fair resolution, not simply persuading everyone to accept my preferred one. Checking the applicable rule is part of that responsibility.

With a referee, use the process—not more volume

A different situation came up in a championship match where we did have a referee.

A ball landed on our side, and I called it out. An opponent disagreed and reacted with his arms up. Rather than matching that reaction, I turned to my partner and asked what he had seen.

He had also seen it out.

I could see that our opponents were not satisfied. Repeating the same answer more forcefully was not going to help. So I asked the referee whether she had seen the ball.

She had. She saw it out.

That confirmation settled the dispute and helped calm the situation. We were no longer trying to convince one another through the force of our reactions. We had brought the question to the official.

The 2026 USA Pickleball rules allow a referee to resolve an appealed line call when they clearly observed the ball. This is not a majority vote among the people on court; it is an officiating process.

In that match, the decision supported our call. But the value of having a process cannot depend on it always favoring me. I need to use it respectfully and be prepared for an answer I do not like.

Practice the Conversation Before You Need It

Choose your response to a difficult court moment. Explore how to stay respectful without giving up your position.

The next difficult call matters, too

I do not want to judge my communication only by whether I got the last point.

After a disagreement, we still have to finish the match. There may be another close call two rallies later. I would rather arrive at that moment having treated my opponents fairly than having insulted them during the previous one.

Respect does not guarantee that everyone walks away happy. Two people can sincerely see the same situation differently. Sometimes an opponent will remain frustrated even after a decision is made.

My responsibility is to communicate honestly, follow the applicable process, and avoid adding unnecessary hostility. Once the issue is resolved, I want to get back to playing—not keep relitigating it.

The same perspective runs through my essay on focus, friendship, and earned confidence in competition: I want to compete seriously while recognizing the value of the experience beyond the score.

What I carry into real estate—and the rest of life

In real estate, I represent people whose interests I am responsible for looking after. I want to understand the relevant contracts and requirements, prepare carefully, and speak up when something needs to be addressed.

But preparation alone is not the entire skill. I also need to communicate that understanding effectively when another person disagrees.

That is the connection I see with pickleball. The situations are different, but I get to practice the habits: listen before reacting, separate what I know from what I assume, explain my position, and stay respectful without becoming passive.

A game can give me feedback on those habits quickly. Did I actually hear the other person? Did I know the rule, or only think I knew it? Did I make a useful point, or just express frustration?

That is an opportunity I would encourage other players to notice. Do not go looking for disputes. But when disagreement naturally happens, recognize that there is something to practice beyond the next shot.

For me, becoming a better player has also meant learning to defend myself without disrespecting someone else. That is a skill worth developing long after the match is over.

Common questions